Absolutely no signs of life, unsure of what to do

In situations like this it's always best to start with the basics. In your case, I'd think you might want to start with, does it have power? If there's a problem with getting power to the battery to charge it, obviously at some point the battery is going to die and you'll be right where you are.

So first thing I would do is make sure you're getting power all the way from the wall to the motherboard. You'll really need a voltmeter for most of this if you have or can borrow one.

1. Check the wall outlet for power. Plug in a lamp or otherwise verify power is coming out. In the US it will be 110V AC; other countries will frequently use 220V AC.
2. With the voltmeter verify the power at the pins of the Magsafe 2 plug. You'll want to measure the two outermost pins on both sides; they should both read the same at 16.5V DC.
   

1. If that's good, open up the bottom of the case; follow the first three steps of the Battery Replacement guide to get it open.
   MacBook Pro 13" Retina Display Early 2015 Battery Replacement - iFixit Repair Guide
2. Next you'll want to verify that power is getting to the motherboard. Plug in the magsafe charger and measure two pin pads on the connector where the DC input board cable connects to the motherboard.

EDIT: Ah, I actually found a set of schematics!

Pins 1 and 2 should be the positive voltage, and pins 4 and 5 will be ground. So measuring between either pin of the positive pins and either pin of the negative should give you that same 16.5V you saw at the magsafe connector.

Let us know what you find and we'll go from there.